I sometimes hear from people who wish their spouse would grow up when there are conflicts in the marriage. Often, one spouse is willing to sit down as an adult and solve their problems, while the other is not.
I heard from a wife: “My husband and I handle our fight differently. I never want to go to bed angry. I hate conflict. I just want to sit down immediately and resolve whatever is going on. I want to know if there is tension between us. No. But he doesn’t care if the two of us move away. When my husband and I were friends, I didn’t want to go to his side because at home his mom and dad were always fighting. That’s not how I grew up. My mom and dad rarely raise their voices. But my husband has no problem shouting and he loses his mind. When I do something he doesn’t like, he gets away with it. Love and he seems to shut me up to punish me. He’s pretty shocked. He is mature I want to sit down and talk to myself like an adult. This is our marriage we are talking about and the rest of our lives. But my husband does not see this. Instead, he seems to be completely happy about communicating in this childish way. What can I do? “
I thought it was right for this wife to be very concerned about this issue. Many experts say that the way a couple fights and handles conflicts is a good indicator that the couple will eventually get a divorce. Married and intimately engaged couples are couples who have learned to argue in a creative way. It is good to fight. Of course, it is important to clean the air from time to time. But it is also important that the fights do not become personal. It’s okay to attack the issue. It is not appropriate to assault your spouse. It is not right to make it private. You may hate habit or behavior, but at least if you want your marriage to be healthy, you cannot say that you hate your spouse.
It can be very hurtful and painful when one spouse stops falling in love or later tries to punish the other. Because only then do things tend to escalate and get worse. So I agreed that it was important for the couple to learn to work on their problems. Now that the wife was willing to do this, it was time for the husband to get up.
Explain to your husband the need to fight for justice: The wife has tried to shame or blame her husband for changing the way he dealt with her during a conflict. In short, they have developed some kind of child-parent relationship. She goes to the street and hints that he is immature and childish. While all of that may be somewhat correct, bringing his attention to this does not move him to change. Instead, it’s going to make him more angry and more motivated to speed up his behavior.
I believe the best way to start a calm and thoughtful discussion is when things start to escalate. The next time the husband returns to this destructive way of dealing with conflict, the wife may say, “I need to stop you, honey, because this is starting to go to a destructive place, and I do not want this. That’s the whole point of what we’re talking about.” To stop the conflict. But now we are arguing about something that is not even part of the original question. This is just going to work. I’m not sure why we’re talking about the real issues together.
Then express your version of events as creatively as possible. When you are done, ask him to stop and express his side. If he starts to drift back to his old pattern, stop him again and send him away.
His focus on this is key. Because the husband grew up in a bustling house, he really did not know any other way. That’s why it’s important to be patient and try to gently turn him around. Needless to say, he was immature or immature. Instead, you want to show him how to do better. When he does, promise to provide all kinds of positive reinforcements. Because the whole idea is to make him do better and give him the tools to do it.
This means that sometimes you have to emulate and sometimes this seems unfair. You may feel that you are taking the lead in all of this. But as you continue to do so, he must develop a new way of communication that is essential to protecting your marriage. This is because the future of their marriage could be in jeopardy if the couple continue to fight in the destructive way they have become accustomed to. And I wondered if these two wanted this.