Here is your classic save your marriage catch 22. Marriage is in real trouble and there are some serious things that need to be fixed soon and things are left unsaid. You know that you can handle things if your husband responds to you. If he gives you his undivided attention for a very short time, you can solve this. The more stress, the worse things get. You go in and scratch to fix this mess. But he has pointed out that he needs space, he needs time alone, and he wants to fly alone for a while. So, how can you handle this? If you give him the space he asks for, things will seem to get worse. But, if you push him, he gets even angrier and goes further. There may not be a “correct” or perfect answer, but there is a compromise that allows you both to get what you want. You will need a little patience and you will need to follow the plan to the letter, but it can be done. I will explain below.
Trouble is not pleasant: Before I go any further, I must warn you that endless hunting is not the answer to your husband. Most women will take what I call the “tactic of wearing him.” You think that if you keep blaming him, he will only succumb to silence you in the end. (This is the same tactic used by young children.)
Even if he “gives up” and throws up these hands, he still has a lot of anger and resentment. You have done more harm than good to your cause. He pretends to listen because he doesn’t want to be bothered, but he only hears the background noise. He doesn’t internalize anything you say, of course not. He just comforts you. So, if you really want to save your marriage (where it sticks and he is honestly involved in it), bothering him is not the way to do it. Of course, this is just associating everything he says about you with negative emotions. You want to make him smile or feel positive when he thinks of you. This is not how it should be done.
He wants to be alone, so give him what he wants (at least in the short term): Your husband has made it very clear that he wants to be alone for a while. So, take him to his word. He sincerely hopes to have a great vision of you and do everything you can to change his mind. do not. This is because if you continue to act in the old way, the old, unsatisfactory cycle will continue. You can do better.
Now, I believe you should avoid allowing him to leave the house if you can help. (I know sometimes you can not.) Still, it’s a good idea to stay away from friends. (If this is not possible, at least leave him at home.) Many will strongly oppose this. But, this step is very necessary. Because you prove that you are trying to help him get what he wants and give him time to avoid you. When he plays it back in his head you want him to remember how high and loving you handled this (and he will do it, I promise.)
However, before you go, you need to set up your exit properly. Let him sit down and tell him that you love him and that you want him to be happy. Assure him that you have heard his request to be alone, so you comply. Assure him that you are using this time only for your benefit. Agree that a break can do you both good. Be enthusiastic and truthful. Don’t be overly dramatic or emotional. Speak as clearly as you can without arguing or shedding tears. Come to him from a compassionate place, but make sure he understands that you are doing this for him as well as for him.
Things to do while you let your husband: This is the part that most women fear. They are worried that he will go out and behave badly and make irreversible mistakes. This may be true if you have fought a big fight and handled this incorrectly, but many women wonder if the “break” or “single time” is much shorter than they expected.
The husband is very curious about your sudden changes. This forces him to decide what is going on. Now he is playing with your hand. See what you have done? Now he is approaching you. He is the one who is starting the relationship now. This is exactly the situation you want to be in. You move from a weak spot to one of power. What you do next is the most important step of all.
Final steps:This is where a lot of women are over the top. Now that their husbands have begun to welcome back, they now suddenly want to stop holding their tongues. They are dead to speak things and correct things, so all these words and feelings begin to flow from them. what is happening? The husband immediately thinks, “Okay, well, here it is, here I thought she was really coming, but she’s coming only to delay what I know.”
You can’t let him think this. Instead you want to show him an extension of the woman who intrigued him. Continue with this enthusiastic, calm, open woman who has started to change things. You will have time to say what you want and need later, but first you need to make sure you have a husband who is fully aboard and wants to be there.